I had to laugh when I got my hands on a copy of Australian OK! from my sister the other day.

“Delta’s Wild Week” screamed one of the headlines.

Yes, Australia’s pop sweetheart had really been playing up – pushing Bryan McFadden’s kids around Sydney Harbour in their prams, while wearing a long, flowing dress.

Certainly wild alright. In fact if she was living life on the edge any further, she’d probably fall right off.

But what would the Australian tabs and rags say if they saw Delta’s British equivalent, Kerry Katona who is now allegedly weaning her newborn baby off coke?

Yes, when it comes to wild, Delta and Kerry, who was once married to McFadden, are like chalk and cheese.

But then British celebs are a whole new layer of chav.

They drink more, they snort more, they wear less.

But unfortunately – perhaps due to the celebrity obsessed media – they don’t disappear.

They don’t die – although I’m sure one will soon. (No guesses for who it will be. There’s two main contenders).

They don’t fade away – even the reality ones, who are in a league of their own. Unlike the Australian types – Reggie who? – fame lasts a lot longer than 15 minutes for the UK’s celebrity stars. Blighty’s reality stars are professional reality stars.

And they never stop selling CDs or grabbing viewers. And if they did, don’t worry, there’s always a comeback tour, a magazine column or another reality TV show that they can do.

So unfortunately we are stuck with them. They are dished up to us everyday courtesy of Fleet Street and publishing houses.

They are on TV whenever you switch it on. You can hear them on the radio. They pop up on billboards. They have gotten into the national psyche.

And while I am part of this, working in the media, I have to say that I struggle to be able to mention any of them that I remotely like. They are certainly NOT and should NOT be held up as role models. (Remember we’re talking about celebrities here, not serious actors).

Most of the current top 10 celebrities, the “It” girls and boys, are the cheap, self-manufactured type (ie reality).

Yes, Britain is weird. For a place with such rigid class structures they celebrate nobodies like no other place on earth. But then these people aren’t nobodies – they have become the lowest of the low.

So after much anticipation, here is my Top 10 Overrated British Celebs

1. KERRY KATONA

I think I speak for a lot of people, journalists and non-journalists, when I call for a complete media blackout on Kerry Katona.

The woman is the worst of the worst.

“I’m not buying magazines anymore because I’m just giving more money to Kerry Katona,” my flatmate’s girlfriend Erin said to me in our lounge room a few weeks ago.

“Who’s she?” said Mac, my other flattie. Lucky Canada, apparently Kerry Katona never reached there.

Coincidentally, after that intense conversation we were flicking through the music channel and there were Atomic Kitten singing Whole Again, their only big hit.

Even in her hey day, Kerry Katona was never any oil painting. And she certainly had no talent.

But today, about seven years later, she is one of Britain’s biggest stars with a weekly magazine column, reality TV show, best-selling autobiography and novel.

Oh, and did I mention a chav taxi driver husband who is only with her for the money and allegedly cheats on her, children who might be taken off her any day now, a mother and mother-in-law who don’t speak to her, and more rehab stints than I’ve had pairs of stockings?

But hang on, it’s not the booze and white stuff that led to her checking into The Priory, it’s her bipolar disorder, isn’t it?

Take a Break! Or as it’s known in the industry, Take An Overdose – which she will no doubt sadly do one of these days and that will be the end of everything.

Kerry Katona is nothing but a junkie who unfortunately has made a lot of money being a low life because some num nut TV producers had the bright idea that documenting her life might make entertaining viewing.

Half her magazine column is spent vehemently denying what’s been written about her in the press the previous weak.

For instance in the latest one, she takes up about six sentences denying she’s not weaning her baby off cocaine.

You have to wonder why she uses so word space doing this, especially if these things aren’t true.

I just love this comment that I found this week on Anorak:

“Kerry does not have to wean her baby off cocaine because her baby is going to be a star and it’s good to get a taste for narcotics early and be one step ahead of the pack.”

Her life is such a joke that some of the direct questions that she’s asked in interviews do make me laugh eg “How’s your mum? Has she sold any more stories about you?”

But Britain, and the rest of the world can do without Kerry Katona.

2. MARK CROFT

For those who don’t know him, he’s the sleazy former cabbie husband of Kerry

He’s also the one who was led around the couple’s Cheshire mansion by armed robbers looking for things to steal downstairs as his wife was held at knife point upstairs, in July last year.

You’ve really got to wonder about robberies like that, don’t you??

As I said, it’s clear that Mark is only with Kerry for the money – and no doubt he cheats on her.

After all, he has reportedly spoken at his disappointment over the fact that Kerry’s boobs are “heading south” after popping out all the children. Such a charming husband.

At the moment Kerry and Mark are dished up to us as a special package – two for the price of one.

But no doubt when they do split he will get his own reality TV show and we can read his exclusive story in The Screws. I cannot wait.

3. POSH

Regular readers of this blog will know how much I loathe the stick insect Posh Spice.

In fact I have previously listed in detail reasons I don’t like her.

Among them: she’s vapid, represents nothing more than materialism, promotes eating disorders, encourages women to marry footballers never smiles and is fake ( from her teeth to her boobs).

What pisses me off the most about Posh though is her constant banging on about how the media make her life hell.

This is a woman who came from Essex but went onto make millions with Brand Beckham.

Ask me if I feel sorry for her.

And yes, snappers are mobile and quick, but they are not MI5 agents and they are not mind readers. Somebody has to tip them off.

Who for a second believes Posh, who was seen carrying balloons out of a Mexican restaurant for her 34th birthday in LA earlier this week, didn’t have her own PR alert people to the party? Ploise.

Also this week comes the news that Posh “just doesn’t get” David’s charity work in Sierra Leone. What a surprise.

I remember The Boss coming into work after Victoria’s much anticipated fly-on-the-wall documentary had aired in the UK last year.

His verdict: “It was absolutely nauseating chief,” he said.

“I cringed for her.”

Yes, we all cringe for this pathetic creature. 

But we still want her to go away. ASAP.

4. CHERYL COLE

“I’m not interested in Cheryl Cole,” a colleague said a few weeks ago as the papers came in and there she was on the splash again.

“There’s women out there who have a lot more on their plate.”

Hallelujah, someone had finally said it!

Yes it’s awful that Cheryl Cole’s husband Ashley allegedly cheated on her – not just once if what’s been reported in the press is true.

Yes she must be upset and my heart, along with a hundred newspaper columnists, oh sod it the whole nation’s, goes out to her.

But for God sake, she married a top footballer.

If she wanted somebody who would be at home every night reading her Browning in bed instead of being out on the lash at Faces nightclub chatting up girls wearing dish clothes, then she really should have married a Church of England vicar. And you probably can’t even trust them.

Enough about Cheryl Cole (sorry, Tweedy).

She biffed up a bathroom attendant long before she was Mrs Cole, so I’m sure she can handle herself.

(See http://news.bbc.co.uk/cbbcnews/hi/music/newsid_2848000/2848755.stm)

5. PETE DOHERTY

Alright Pete Doherty never courted media attention.

All he had to do was go out with a particular supermodel who it seems is under 24 hour paparazzi surveillance.

But Pete Doherty – and the magistrates that let him off – made a mockery of the justice system for a long time until he was finally jailed a few weeks ago.

And if whispers that he’s still doing drugs inside Wormwood Scrubs are correct, he’s continuing to make a mockery of the justice system, rather than get his act together.

Like every other reporter in London, I have covered a Pete Doherty court appearance.

I can sum it up in two words: a circus.

The saddest thing about it was not that there were 3,000 snappers but only two reporters. (Although this does say a lot about how the media works over here).

It was his gaggle of female fans – they looked about nine – who handed him folded up pieces of paper with love hearts written on them as they went through security. They sat inside the courtroom for the entire proceedings and chased him as he left.

Sad, sad, very sad.

6. AMY WINEHOUSE

When you see photos of not just a star, but a talented singer wearing bloodied ballet pumps it is not good.

And when you see photos of Amy Winehouse being literally picked up in the streets by a friend because she cannot walk it is not good.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Amy Winehouse’s music.

I have her songs on my iPod.

I like some of the clothes she wears. She has a very east London look about her.

But needle marks on one’s arms, especially when you’re in the public eye usually every day, is not a good look.

The latest pix of Amy, published in a tabloid this week, show her knocking back shots while cuddling a friend’s baby.

Like Pete, she needs to get her act together – the drugs, the eating disorders, the hubby who’s been nicked, everything.

Because unlike Pete, Cheryl and Kerry, Amy can actually sing.

7. WAYNE AND COLEEN (AS A PACKAGE)

I would not go out with Wayne Rooney if you paid me. (Not that I think he’s about to phone).

The guy – in fact he’s only a kid – looks like a monkey, or that he has as about the same amount of brains that the ball he kicks.

As for his other half, well my dislike of her is not unknown, because the fact is that Coleen has absolutely zero talent.

And whenever you see her she’s sun baking on a beach or coming out of a solarium.

As I’ve said before, the girl is a walking poster for melanoma.

In some pix I saw of her last year on a holiday in some exotic location, she had stayed out in the sun so much she looked like a lobster.

Wayne had used up the entire three brain cells he has by telling her to go inside, to no avail.

They had a very dramatic fight – and of course the paps were there hiding in the bushes and captured it all for our pleasure.

I’m also especially tired of hearing Coleen bang on and on about her perfume rang and how hard it was to come up with a scent and how she had to fly to France to smell heaps of different ones and then take them back to England and then get Wayne to smell them.

She only got paid millions for it – but still it must have been so tough.

I will never listen to Bengali sweat shop workers moan again.

But then again, I suppose it’s better than sticking other things up her noses, like the other celebs.

The thing that annoys me the most about Coleen and Wayne though is that they bang on about how they’re “normal people”.

But how many normal people do you know that have a £3 million wedding spread out over four days in the south of France?

They are not really chavs though but CUBs – a term that I read circa last year’s Australian federal election, Cashed Up Bogans.

As for the suggestion that the bride might look like Audrey Hepburn, Take a Break! Hepburn had one thing that Coleen will never embody – class.

8. KATE MOSS

These days Kate Moss is like the new Diana.

A day doesn’t fly without her picture in the paper.

Kate Moss gets £3 million for designing a fashion range even though she never picked up a single pencil.

Kate Moss gets a taxi as a present from her friends. (She wasn’t the first though – Kerry claims she already had one as a present from Mark).

Kate Moss sticks a garbage bag on her head and still looks great.

Let’s get one thing straight: I don’t give a used lipstick about Kate Moss anymore. Not that I think I ever did.

Kate Moss, a former junkie, is the absolute epitome of a celeb that is just not worth the money or attention that they actually receive.

Yes some of her clothes are very nice.

But she is not the best dressed person on the planet.

Unfortunately though fashion editors have fallen into the trap of just approving everything she wears.

And she’s not the best looking woman on the planet either.

In fact I have met so many guys who all claim they don’t rate Miss Moss that much.

And I have heard plenty of females say the same thing.

The one thing that amazes me about Kate Moss is that she’s a mother but you nearly forget that, because you never see her daughter Lila with her.

However you always see Kate Moss.

I don’t think this is because she’s protective of her daughter’s privacy, either.

Kate Moss = Too Much.

9. PEACHES AND WHAT’S-HER-NAME-GELDOF

For two girls whose father is constantly singing about starving kids in Africa, Peaches and Pixie Geldof come across as nothing but spoiled brats, constantly spilling out of nightclubs after fighting over boys.

I don’t take much interest in them, as I find them boring, but of course the press loves them.

Really though, would anybody Down Under or in any other part of the world be able to ID them out of a celeb lineup?

Could you really do it???

I dare you.

10. HEATHER MILLS

I debated over whether to include Mucca on this.

Because after all she’s not so much overrated but hated. By just about everyone on the planet.

But still she won’t vanish down a black hole liked we’d all wish.

There are a couple of Mucca moments that really make me laugh though.

The first one was when she performed the fox trot to entertain plane passengers when the in-flight entertainment system broke down.

(See http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/showbiz/showbiznews.html?in_article_id=449656&in_page_id=1773&ito=1490)

Don’t know about you, but I think I’d almost wish to be entertained by al-Qaeda instead.

The second was when, after soaking Macca’s lawyer Fiona Shackleton with water outside the High Court following the divorce settlement, she claimed that she’d been flooded by offers to do makeovers.

Mucca, if you are reading this you are having yourself on.

**COMING SOON: Top 10 British Celebs That I Actually Rate.

Who will make the cut???